Help Keep the Caregiver Stories Coming

If this newsletter has helped you, would you consider supporting it?

Every week, I pour my heart into these words to make your caregiving journey a little lighter and less lonely. Many of you have shared how these stories have brought comfort, perspective, or even a smile on a hard day.

If you’ve ever found a moment of relief or recognition here, I hope you’ll consider tipping—$5, $10, or whatever feels right to you. Your support helps me keep writing, and reminds me how much this work matters.

[Support the Newsletter – It Only Takes a Moment]

Thank you for being part of this community.

Caregiver’s Corner: A toolbox for creating meaningful moments

I’m taking a break from the usual format this week to provide you with some pragmatic tools for having great interactions with your loved one. These tools provide ways to positively redirect them in moments when we’re not sure how to work with behavior, or just at times when you want to have some meaningful reminiscing.

At the bottom of this article, you’ll find some attachments that you can download for free to use with your loved one. I’ll put the text of the first one, Creating Meaningful Moments, here in the body of the article, but if you want to try it for yourself please download the PDF at the end. You can fill it out on your computer and print it easily.

Creating Meaningful Moments with Your Loved One

What follows is a questionnaire. It's a map for meaningful interaction. Fill it out, and you'll have a profile of your loved one that you can reach for in virtually any moment — when they're agitated, when they're withdrawn, when you just want to see them light up. Tape it to the fridge. Share it with other caregivers. Hand it to the home health aide on their first day.

 Answer as fully as you can. There are no wrong answers, and blanks are fine. You can always come back.

Their Story

1. What did your loved one do for work, and what did they take pride in about it? (Were they a teacher? A mechanic? A homemaker who ran the house like a Fortune 500? The tasks and rhythms of their working life can be adapted into activities that give them a deep sense of purpose and calm.)

Your answer: _____________________________________

2. What were they known for in their family or community — what was "their thing"? (The best pie at the church potluck? Coaching Little League? Always being the one people called when something broke? This is identity. It matters.)

Your answer: _____________________________________

3. What childhood memories did they share most often? (Fishing with a grandparent? A tire swing? Walking to school in the snow — uphill both ways? Long-term memories often outlast short-term ones. These stories are doors you can keep opening.)

Your answer: _____________________________________

4. What was their proudest accomplishment? (Raising their kids? Military service? Building something with their hands? Starting a business? Let them feel that pride again.)

Your answer: _____________________________________

 The Senses

5. What music did they love? Name specific artists, songs, hymns, or genres. (Music reaches parts of the brain that dementia often can't touch. A specific song can change the entire weather of a room. Be as precise as you can — "Big Band" is helpful, but "Glenn Miller's 'In the Mood'" is a skeleton key.)

Your answer: _____________________________________

6. What smells bring them comfort or joy? (Coffee brewing? Lavender? Sawdust? A specific perfume or cologne? Fresh-cut grass? Cinnamon rolls? Scent is wired directly to memory and emotion — use it.)

Your answer: _____________________________________

7. What textures or sensations do they find comforting? (A warm blanket? A hand massage with lotion? Brushing their hair? The feel of cool water on their hands? A stuffed animal or soft fabric? These are tools for hard moments.)

Your answer: _____________________________________

 At the Table

8. What was their favorite meal — the one they'd request for a birthday or special occasion? (Even if their diet has changed, elements of that meal — the aroma, a modified version of the dish, or just talking about it — can bring genuine joy.)

Your answer: _____________________________________

9. What was their go-to comfort food or snack? (Peanut butter crackers? Ice cream? Buttered toast? A handful of cashews? Having this on hand is like having a reset button in your pantry.)

Your answer: _____________________________________

10. Did they have any mealtime habits or rituals? (Always said grace? Read the paper with breakfast? Had coffee at exactly the same time? Drank sweet tea on the porch? Rituals anchor the day.)

Your answer: _____________________________________

 How They Spent Their Time

11. What did a perfect Saturday look like for them before dementia? (This one question can generate a dozen activity ideas. Break it down — morning, afternoon, evening — and you'll find threads you can pull.)

Your answer: _____________________________________

12. What hobbies or hands-on activities did they enjoy? (Gardening? Woodworking? Knitting? Puzzles? Fishing? Painting? Tinkering with cars? Many of these can be adapted and simplified as dementia progresses — sorting seeds, folding fabric, sanding a piece of wood.)

Your answer: _____________________________________

13. Did they enjoy animals? Was there a beloved pet? (A visit from a gentle dog, a bird feeder outside the window, or even a lifelike stuffed animal can provide surprising comfort and engagement.)

Your answer: _____________________________________

14. Were they a morning person or a night owl? What did their natural daily rhythm look like? (Working with their internal clock — rather than against it — can reduce agitation and make activities more successful.)

Your answer: _____________________________________

 What Moved Them

15. Did they have a religious or spiritual practice that was important to them? (Prayer, hymns, scripture, rosary beads, meditation — these are deeply embedded and can provide comfort well into late-stage dementia.)

Your answer: _____________________________________

16. What kind of humor made them laugh? (Slapstick? Dry wit? Puns so bad the whole family groaned? Old sitcoms? Laughter is still in there. Know what unlocks it.)

Your answer: _____________________________________

17. What was their favorite place — somewhere they visited or always dreamed of going? (Photos, travel shows, or even a "virtual visit" on a tablet can transport them. Or maybe their favorite place was simpler: the back porch, the lake, their mother's kitchen.)

Your answer: _____________________________________

18. Who were the most important people in their life, and what stories did they love to tell about them? (Keep photos of these people accessible. Labeled, if possible. These faces and names are anchors.)

Your answer: _____________________________________

 The Signature Details

19. Was there a favorite movie, TV show, or book they returned to again and again? (Familiar media is comforting because it doesn't demand new processing.)

Your answer: _____________________________________

20. Was there a phrase, saying, or song they repeated often — something that was unmistakably them? (My mother had a way of saying "Well, isn't that something" that could mean ten different things. These signature phrases are bridges. Use them, and watch their eyes change.)

Your answer: _____________________________________

Now Use It

Once you've filled this out, you don't have a survey. You have a toolkit. Here's how to put it to work:

• Morning agitation? Turn to their daily rhythm (Question 14), their mealtime rituals (Question 10), and their comfort food (Question 9). Meet them where their body expects to be.

• Restless afternoon? Pull from their hobbies (Question 12), their work history (Question 1), or their perfect Saturday (Question 11). Simplify the task, but honor the instinct.

• Sundowning? Go to music (Question 5), comforting textures (Question 7), familiar TV (Question 19), or their spiritual practice (Question 15). This is when sensory comfort does its best work.

• Withdrawn or sad? Try their favorite memories (Question 3), their proudest accomplishment (Question 4), or photos of the people they love (Question 18). Sometimes just saying a familiar name is enough.

• A new caregiver is coming? Hand them this document. It is the single most useful thing you can give someone who is about to care for your person.

The behaviors we see in dementia are responses — to discomfort, to confusion, to a world that no longer makes the kind of sense it used to. But comfort is a response too. And when you know what brings your loved one comfort — really know it, with specifics — you're not guessing anymore. You're reaching for something real.

Fill this out today. You know more than you think you do.