Caregiver’s Corner: Your Reality Isn’t True Either

When it comes to what’s real, I hate to tell you that what we don’t know far exceeds what we do. The more we discover, the more mysteries arise.

Heck, on an atomic level we barely exist: over 99.9999999999999% of an atom’s volume is empty space. But despite the fact that only 0.0000000000001% of me is solid matter, it still hurts when I stub my toe. (Actual scientists out there want to clarify or expand? Leave a comment!)

Black holes, dark matter, string theory and quantum physics… We can’t see gravity or ultraviolet light, but they’re a part of reality too, even though our senses may not pick them up.

Light from the stars we see in tonight’s sky may have started traveling to us 13 billion years ago, and may represent stars that no longer even exist, though their light is still traveling through space.

What’s my point?

We all collect information through our senses. By interacting with the world, we draw conclusions from our sight, smell, hearing, taste, and touch.

As we dig deeper into this universe of ours, we’re finding that our senses have misled us on some of our most fundamental assumptions.

And yet, we think our reality is correct and that our loved ones with dementia are incorrect. If we can acknowledge that our own ideas of reality are flawed, can we extend some grace to them in their perceptions?

After all, they are going through the exact same process we are: they are relying on their senses, their memories, and their instincts to find their place in a world that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.

Their interpretation of the world is different than mine. So is my partner’s. So is my best friend’s. With my partner and my best friend, I keep the relationship alive by inquiring about their views and interacting with them respectfully.

Can we extend the same courtesy to our loved ones with dementia? Since time is relative, can we respect the fact that, say, their parents are still alive in their timeline? Can we respect the fact that this is what their senses are telling them, even though our senses tell us different things?

My mom has taken to thinking that she just visited her parents, both of whom died more than 20 years ago. Through the relativity of time in her mind, they truly lived again for her. It’s a kind of happy miracle, and a chance for me to ask questions and learn about their lives.

On the other hand, she also had auditory hallucinations where she heard someone plotting to kill her. If I heard the same, “real” or not, you could not convince me that I was safe. So, what did I do?

I took steps — or told her I did — to secure her space and comfort her. When I was a child afraid of monsters under the bed, I knew they weren’t real but that didn’t help me either. I needed safety and comfort from what couldn’t be proven. They were real to me.

In their own minds, your loved one has just as good of a reason as you do to trust their senses. This is how we make sense of our worlds. They may not be able to join us in our realities anymore, but we can join theirs by asking questions and being engaged.

Rather than dismissing, be curious. They are showing you a part of the universe that you don’t have access to and times that are long gone, made new and present once more.

When you take this approach, care becomes easier and kinder.

🌟 Featured this Week: 🌟 Creating Purposeful Engagement

📖 What’s Really Real? Three books that explore three different holes in our realities 📖 

• The Order of Time, by Carlo Rovelli: “Why do we remember the past and not the future? What does it mean for time to ‘flow’? Do we exist in time or does time exist in us?”

• In Search of Schrodinger's Cat, by John Gribbon: “Quantum theory is so shocking that Einstein could not bring himself to accept it. It is so important that it provides the fundamental underpinning of all modern sciences.”

• Consciousness: A Very Short Introduction, by Susan Blackmore: “Consciousness, 'the last great mystery for science', remains a hot topic. How can a physical brain create our experience of the world? What creates our identity? Do we really have free will? Could consciousness itself be an illusion?”