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- Goldilocks and the Three Caregivers
Goldilocks and the Three Caregivers
Also in this edition: the results from the Walk to End Alzheimer's!
Ben Couch
October 28, 2025
In partnership with
In this edition: |
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• 🎥 Live on the Scene at the Walk to End Alzheimer’s 🎞️ |
Myth: Pet insurance doesn’t cover everything
Many pet owners worry that insurance won’t cover everything, especially routine care or pre-existing conditions. While that’s true in many cases, most insurers now offer wellness add-ons for preventive care like vaccines, dental cleanings, and check-ups, giving you more complete coverage. View Money’s pet insurance list to find plans for as low as $10 a month.
Crossing the Finish Line at the Walk to End Alzheimer’s!
This past Saturday, October 25th, was the Alzheimer’s Association’s Walk to End Alzheimer’s. I participated with my team in Tucson. The event had over 2,000 participants with over 250 teams, and together we raised over $340,000 to fight this disease. Combine that money with the other 600 or so locations holding a walk and we’ve contributed a lot to next year’s funding!
It’s not too late to donate to Team elumeNATION, by the way! If you’d like to get in on the good vibes, you can still donate to the cause here: http://act.alz.org/goto/elumenation
Plus, if you click over to that page ☝️ you’ll get to see an adorable picture of your humble author with my mom, the person to whom I dedicated my walk.
Team elumeNATION! From left to right: Cole, Androt, Edwin, Adler, Ben (me), Brent, and Emily. Not pictured: Karen and Brian.
And last but not least, my partner on this walk and in the walk of life, Chava!
To all of my teammates and those who donated, thank you. We made a difference.
To anyone who hasn’t donated yet, it’s not too late. Even a dollar helps the fight, both because this is an expensive disease to fight, and because it’s one more name we can show to lawmakers on the growing list of people who are engaged in finding a cure.
If you’re reading this newsletter, chances are good that you have been affected by this terrible disease. Please, donate today! We are going to overcome Alzheimer’s disease, and this is your chance to be a part of that victory.
To You: A Candle in the Dark
I started elumenEd and The Dementia Newsletter after a kind of enlightenment moment, a moment where I realized just how lucky I was—if anything after that diagnosis can be considered lucky—when my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease.
When that diagnosis arrived in 2022, I had been the leader of training efforts at a national senior living company for over two decades. I had written and delivered untold numbers of trainings on the subject of dementia and, even though I found out I still had a lot to learn, I was what many would consider an “expert.”
Additionally, I knew a LOT of people in the business. When I ran into questions, I could call the National Director of Memory Care, the National Director of Health Care, or any number of nurses or executive directors, not as a colleague but as a friend. I got very grateful very quickly for their help and guidance.
And then I thought about you. What if you don’t have the advantages I did? What if you don’t have someone to call or email? What if you don’t know what the diagnosis means for you and your family, and there’s no one to help? What if there’s no one to help you through the “what ifs”?
That’s when I started writing. I made a commitment to put out The Dementia Newsletter for free every week (can you believe it will be a year next month?!). And I started writing world-class training directed toward family caregivers—unlike virtually every other training out there, which is directed toward professionals.
You’re already benefiting from the newsletter, and if you’d like additional information to help you on your journey, I have both free and affordably priced resources at elumenEd.com. The best deal is my lifetime library for $109, because it grows at no additional charge: buy it once, and as additional titles are published for purchase they will be automatically added to your catalog at no additional charge.
This newsletter is free and always will be, and additional resources are available to help you on your journey. Click the button below to check them out, and keep reading in the Caregiver’s Corner below to find out about the three different modes of caregiving.
Caregiver’s Corner: Nothing Superfluous, Nothing Deficient; or, Goldilocks and the Three Caregivers
Not superfluous, not deficient
Several years ago I found the art above in a book about shodo, Japanese calligraphy. The author translates the depicted characters, en tsū, as “not superfluous, not deficient.” That is, nothing is extra and nothing is missing. Every moment is complete unto itself.
Sounds a lot like Radical Acceptance to me.
From our own culture, I think an example of a similar concept (that’s more fun) comes from the old story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears. Based on that story, I think there are three main mental states for caregivers, and this is a good chance to check and see where you’re at:
Too hot
Too cold
Just right
What kind of caregiver do you feel like today?
Some of us come in HOT! We take it all on, never asking for help, a constant whirlwind of activity and helpfulness (whether our loved ones need it or not). When I’m not “just right,” this is where I land.
I am my mom’s champion, and I come in with an iron fist against any who stand in her way. I bulldoze everything that isn’t how I think it should be, sometimes with no thought of the consequences. I run around ceaselessly, losing sleep and not taking care of myself, wearing the weight of the world like a badge of honor, even if it’s killing me.
Then there is “too cold.” Less often, I move toward this state. This is when I get discouraged and throw my hands up in the air. I grow emotionally distant from the situation and the people, retreating into a sad solitude, convinced I can’t help or that my help isn’t wanted.
I isolate and pout, to put it in a more honest and less charitable light. Convinced my efforts are wasted and useless, I protect myself by pulling back and telling myself that my contributions don’t matter anyway.
Despite falling occasionally into both the “too hot” and “too cold” states when giving care, I like to think I spend most of my time feeling “just right.” Nothing superfluous (too hot), nothing deficient (too cold). I rise to the occasion as needed, and allow things to settle when it is time. I feel good about my decisions and my ability to work with other people. Everything feels, well, just right.
There isn’t a right or wrong way to be. It’s ok to be too hot or too cold. However, it’s good to recognize where we are and see if we want to change it. Sometimes changing things may be difficult, even impossible. However, when we name a thing we often gain some measure of control over it. Just recognizing that we aren’t quite just right—or not even close!—can help us step back and get some perspective.
So what’s the temperature of your caregiver porridge, Goldilocks? (My metaphors are not “too hot” right now. Not just right at all!)
Can you take a step back right now and think about the spot you’re in? Are you happy with where you are? Can you imagine what it would feel like to be in just the place you want to be? Now that you’ve imagined it, can you go to the place that’s just right?
Can you let go of the superfluous, forgive the deficient, and accept this moment just as it is?
Help Keep the Caregiver Stories Coming
If this newsletter has helped you, would you consider supporting it?
Every week, I pour my heart into these words to make your caregiving journey a little lighter and less lonely. Many of you have shared how these stories have brought comfort, perspective, or even a smile on a hard day.
If you’ve ever found a moment of relief or recognition here, I hope you’ll consider tipping—$5, $10, or whatever feels right to you. Your support helps me keep writing, and reminds me how much this work matters.
Thank you for being part of this community.
Ben Couch, author
I’ve been a dementia professional for over 20 years, but the fight against this disease has become much more personal for me as I am engaged in my mother’s journey with Alzheimer’s disease. I started The Dementia Newsletter as well as it’s parent company, elumenEd, to help caregivers — specifically home and family caregivers — gain access to the very best training and information available at an affordable price.
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At The Dementia Newsletter, we’re dementia professionals but we’re not medical doctors or lawyers. The information provided is for general informational purposes only and should not be considered as medical or legal advice. Always consult with a qualified healthcare professional for medical diagnosis, treatment, or any health-related concerns and consult with a lawyer regarding any legal matters.
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