Caregiver’s Corner: How are you doing?

Life feels like a lot right now. Does anyone else feel that way? If you’re reading this newsletter, you’re probably starting out with a baseline stress level higher than most people: caregivers are constantly up against heartache, physical strain, and a tide of responsibilities that seem to threaten to wash us away some days.

Add to that war, strife, immigration disputes (especially fun in border areas like mine), families fractured over politics… I feel like I could go on forever, and that isn’t a good feeling. Do you feel tired, exhausted even? Me too. Times feel particularly difficult at the moment, perhaps more so than they have ever before in my life.

I think it’s a good time to break out some of my tips on crisis emotion management for caregivers. If you’re interested in more information and techniques, you can check out a couple of training modules that I’ve put together here.

The first thing I did this morning was roll out of bed and fix my posture. When life is getting me down, fixing my posture is how I start “tricking” my brain into getting back into a focused mindset. Often, especially in the west, we think about how we’re thinking to try to fix how we’re thinking! Confused yet?

However, it does us well to remember that communication in the brain/body connection goes both ways. When our minds and emotions are spinning, we can adjust our bodies to influence those feelings and thoughts. Get into a good, straight posture to send the message to your mind that you’re alert, focused, confident, and motivated. It may not be a miracle cure, but it helps a lot.

The same can be said for putting a half-smile on your face. I don’t mean a plastered on, fake, “everything is fine” smile. Just turn the corners of your lips up a bit and remember that two things can be true at once: your world may be falling apart AND you can make it through.

Next, if you’re in crisis, try putting an ice pack over your face. Be sure to cover the eyes and cheeks. This triggers what’s called the Dive Reflex. When we fall into freezing water, our body works to conserve our breath and energy: in other words, we calm down whether we want to or not. Our heart rate and our breathing slow, and our blood pressure comes down. This is what the ice pack simulates.

So far, we’ve done a couple things to quiet down our physical reactions, so now that we’re in a better space physically let’s look at a difficult exercise: radical acceptance. First, let’s dispel a damaging myth.

Radical acceptance is NOT approval of the situation. It will never be ok that my mom has Alzheimer’s disease. However, when I accept the fact rather than dwelling on how my mom should be healthy, then I can start to act effectively. I’m trapped in some alternate reality of “should.” Should, by definition, doesn’t exist and never will. We can’t act from that place; we can only react.

Can you sit with the facts and acknowledge them as true? It’s ok to be angry and sad about the situation, but can you acknowledge the truth of the hard situations? If you can, you can decide what, if anything, you can do. And if you can’t do anything, accepting that is the only way to find peace with it.

I’ve included some links below to texts that have been helpful to me as a caregiver navigating the emotional turmoil of care for my loved one, and the world in general. They come from many different traditions, and I hope they are helpful to you as well.

If you’re struggling with mental health or addiction, here are some resources that may help.

• SAMHSA's National Helpline — 1-800-662-4357 (free, confidential, 24/7).

• SAMHSA also maintains resources specifically for serving older adults with mental and substance use disorders, useful for clinicians, caregivers, and older adults alike.

• FindTreatment.gov — A locator tool from SAMHSA to find nearby treatment facilities.

• FindSupport.gov — Connects individuals and families to local support services
  988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline — Call or text 988 for immediate crisis support.

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📰 Some Inspirational Reading 📰

In no particular order, here are a few of my favorites:

• The Spirituality of Imperfection by Kurtz and Ketcham

• Man’s Search for Meaning by Victor E. Frankl

• Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach

• A Life of Meaning by James Hollis

• The Art of Possibility by Benjamin and Rosamund Zander