Caregiver’s Corner: Is a Monster Hiding Under Your Loved One’s Bed?

I love a good horror movie. I've usually got some terrible B-movie going on in the background for fun, but I realized lately that they've also taught me how to better understand my mom's dementia paranoia and fear.

Any good horror movie asks us to think about what we're really afraid of, and why. Dying and suffering are the easy takeaways.

For the purposes of a discussion about dementia, however, I'm more interested in the movies that explore the theme of reality breaking down to the point where others question our sanity, and we even start to question our own: movies like The Shining, Hellraiser, or The Ring.

The uncanny horror starts to drip into a person's world, and no one believes them because of course "that" can't happen.

The horror in those movies, whatever it is, exists outside our reality, and it clearly can't be true -- but it is. There's this rip between what the characters are experiencing as real and what the rest of the world sees as possible.

We're deeply afraid of not being believed when we're in danger, not being understood when we need help, and having our world devolve into a nightmare of not knowing what's real and what isn't.

I think of the time when my mom experienced auditory hallucinations: she heard people outside her apartment door talking about coming in to hurt her in the night. That was real to her.

While I don't think that literally happened, it did literally happen for her. It was 100% true in her experience. After all, don't you believe what you hear? Our senses tell us what's real, so why would she doubt hers more than I would doubt mine?

So instead of saying, "Mom, that's not true. That didn't happen," I did my best to approach her terror like those characters in the horror movies wish people would approach them: "I believe you, and how can I help?"

I told her, "I'll look at security footage. We'll put a camera outside your door. The Program Director and caregivers all know this is happening, and they will be on guard. The doors to the outside will all be locked at night." And so on. I took her fear seriously.

I didn't want her to live in a horror movie, so I listened and validated, and showed that I believed her reality.

When my mom told me what she heard, I didn't literally believe that someone was plotting outside her door at night, but I did acknowledge that she experienced that horror and I was willing to step into that world with her to provide comfort.

When I was very young, I was much more impressionable. I would simply see a commercial for something like Nightmare on Elm Street and have nightmares for a week. I'd sometimes even be too afraid to go to sleep. Logically, my fear wasn't reasonable. But I felt true terror and my parents would let me crawl in bed with them and feel safe.

Now, it's my job to help my mom through the scary parts, and I give her the same comfort she gave me when I was afraid.

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📰 Resources for Dementia Fear, Hallucinations, and PTSD 📰

Overall Topic (optional):

• Coping With Hallucinations, Delusions, and Paranoia (National Institute on Aging): this is a short article about how fears may present themselves and some ways for caregivers to address those fears.

• How do I support a person with dementia who has traumatic memories? (Alzheimer’s Society): when a person lives with dementia and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, horror can take on a whole new dimension.