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Caregiver’s Corner: Some Tips for Setting Up the Move to Memory Care

My mom’s move to her new memory care community went really well. There’s no way to guarantee this result: my mom had a good transition to her first memory care community too, but I didn’t take it for granted that this would happen again.

I should also mention that most experts recommend avoiding moving people with dementia when possible. It can be very disorienting. For me, the benefits of this new community outweighed the downsides of moving my mom so I made the decision to do it. However, keep this caveat in mind if you’re thinking of moving your loved one.

I should tell you that I have one advantage that not everyone has: a very close relationship with my mother. She trusts me to have her best interests at heart, so when I suggest something she’s likely to go along.

This may not be the case for you, so I’m including some tips to help you regardless of the relationship. Remember that there are no one-size-fits-all solutions when it comes to dementia. The only tactic you really need to master is the ability to adapt to each moment as it presents itself.

Ben’s Memory Care Moving Tips

• Plan ahead: ask lots of questions and run the scenario through in your mind. Start early, at least a week in advance, to think about your strategy and how you’re going to pull this off.

• Consider communication: Usually, you don’t need to tell your loved one beforehand. Depending on the stage of dementia, they will not remember the conversation and may end up becoming upset multiple times because they’re hearing the news again for the “first” time.

• Pitch how they will benefit: You’re making a move for a reason, so there must be a benefit. When you do tell them, talk about how it will be a great move for a reason they care about. They won’t care about why you think the move is great: why will it be good from their perspective?

• Set up the room: When we moved my mom, we took lots of pictures and had her room set up when she arrived. It was staged as closely as possible to how my mom’s room was set up before. Decorations were up on the wall and furniture was in place.

• Consult closely with the community: The community you’re moving to has done this process many times, and they will remember things that you forget. I would have forgotten to bring mom’s current medications from the other community, for instance.

• Ask for help if you can find it: While the movers were doing their thing, I took mom to sightsee (AKA distracted her). My best friend was coordinating with the movers to get everything ready. She showed them what to pack up and how to unload mom’s items. She also took care of the floor plan and worked with the Maintenance Director to get everything hung on the walls. Her help was crucial.

• Remember their perspective: this may be difficult, and if we spend a few minutes in a space of empathy we may understand why. When I make a move, it’s confusing and emotional for me. How much more would that be the case if I had dementia? How can you assist from that perspective?

• Remember your superpower: regardless of your relationship and feelings about your loved one, you probably have a superpower that none of the pros have. You know what makes them tick. Think about how you can use that knowledge to soothe and comfort, smoothing the way.

• As much as you can, accept what is happening: Can you let any of it go? This move might be hard on everyone, so can you accept that and work from that perspective? When you can find acceptance — maybe not approval, but acceptance — of the fact that plans will go awry and people might be upset, it will be easier to work through things. Try not to fight it. Instead, try to understand and find solutions.

These are some of the things that helped me, and I hope they might help you too. You can also abstract some of these ideas to everyday care as well. For instance, think about how remembering their perspective could help them with, say, bathing or taking meds.

In the end, I think it’s mostly about acceptance and empathy. Things won’t go according to plan: things will be amiss. “The best laid plans of mice and men, often go awry,” the poet Robert Burns tells us. Perhaps he moved someone to memory care too!

If you can roll with things and keep empathizing, even when things get tough, you’ll get through moving day. Keep breathing and keep taking steps forward.

🌟Featured this Week:🌟Dementia Behaviors: a Caregiver's Complete Toolbox

📰 A Fascinating Treatment Possibility for Families 📰

Link of the Week:

• Home-Based Alzheimer’s Treatment Brings Care Closer to Families (BrightFocus): a colleague shared this fantastic article with me. If the study goes well, this could bring a new avenue of dementia care to home and family caregivers.