Caregiver’s Corner: Never Have I Ever…Put My Loved One In a Nursing Home

When you’ve made a promise that ends up conflicting with what you think is right, do you keep the promise and do what’s wrong, or do you break the promise to do what’s right?

This question is as old as the concept of ethics. Millenia of philosophers have grappled with questions like this. Do you think Socrates’ father demanded of him, “Promise you’ll never put me in a nursing home!”?

That’s a tough one. I’ve talked to a lot of caregivers, and so many of them are living with the burden of these promises demanded of them to the detriment of their health, their family, their job, and even the loved one’s health.

Somehow, we all find our way through the ambiguities and come out the other side. We all have to make difficult choices as we go, and sometimes we don’t know what’s right even years later. We caregivers seem uniquely skilled when it comes to self-doubt and second-guessing our decisions.

Not being “put in a nursing home” may be the most common thing requested. However, as dementia progresses and the situation changes—and it will, in unpredictable ways—you may have to consider: is honoring that person’s demand the best way to honor the spirit of your relationship?

I believe in keeping my promises so much that I virtually never use the word “promise.” I don’t make promises frivolously. And yet, having looked at a lot of hard truths during my mom’s battle with Alzheimer’s disease, I can imagine a breaking point for any promise to “not put someone in a nursing home.” There is a point where it’s simply impossible to fulfill one’s word.

My Mom’s Promise to My Dad: as my father declined, my mother kept her promise to take care of him. She preserved his dignity at all costs:

• A cost to the family—because she covered for my dad, none of us knew how much he had declined and we had no opportunity to help or participate in his care.

• A cost to my mom’s social life—because she was constantly caring for my father, she was not able to participate in activities that were important to her like seeing friends and volunteering.

• A cost to my mom’s health—caring for my dad led to untold stress and a decline in health for my mom. She hurt herself lifting him and didn’t recover fully.

• An emotional cost—the responsibility for keeping my dad’s condition hidden and taking care of all of his needs led to depression and anxiety.

I’ll admit, I still feel a little bit of resentment toward my dad over this situation even 10 years after his passing. If he had simply gotten some home health care to help mom out, their final years together could have been so much happier.

Did dad know what he was asking? Did he realize how much this promise would take away from my mother’s joy? What might have happened if she had insisted on the help she needed? How could their relationship have been different?

I’m not saying anyone was right or wrong, but I see lots of places in dad’s final years where we could have been closer as a family and mom could have experienced more wellness. Her dedication to my father is an example to me, but it also left her in physical and emotional pain and probably unintentionally compromised my father’s care into the bargain.

As I mentioned in the video, I think it’s hard to promise that we will maintain a behavior no matter the circumstances. With dementia—and in life in general—circumstances are always in flux.

For me—again, no judgment: this is just where I’ve landed—it’s more helpful to ask myself what decision best honors the relationship that I have had with someone.

I made a deathbed promise to my father that I would always take care of my mother. Mom needs more care than I can provide at this point, so I’ve asked for help rather than compromise her care or our relationship. I think that’s the best way to honor that promise.

We all do our best, including YOU! If you’re struggling, if you’re wondering how to do the right thing, or asking yourself how best to keep a promise, I believe that you will ultimately find the answer that works for you. The purpose of today’s column is to let you know that other people are struggling too.

I don’t have answers for you, but those are some of the answers I’ve come up with for myself. If my words are helpful, then I’m glad. Honor the person you care for, and honor your own needs. When you’re coming from that place of honest acceptance and compassion, I believe you’ll find peace with whatever choice you make.

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📰 Some Other Perspectives on the Topic 📰

• “I Promised My Parents I'd Never Put Them in a Nursing Home” (Aging Care): “One of the most heart wrenching choices a family caregiver must make is whether to place a loved one in a nursing home.”

• You Promised Mom You Would Never Move Her into a Home…Now What? (Elder Tree Care): “Caring for a parent involves a myriad of emotions. Adult children express sadness and grief for the loss of the parent they once knew, while at the same time may feel anger and resentment for the overwhelming responsibilities of caregiving.”