Caregiver’s Corner: Original content

As fireworks lit up the sky last night, I found myself thinking about freedom in new ways, ways I didn’t understand before becoming a caregiver. Celebrations of liberty feel different when you're helping someone button their shirt or choose what to have for breakfast.

But here's what I've learned from countless conversations with family caregivers: independence isn't an all-or-nothing proposition. It lives in the smallest moments, and those moments matter more than we realize.

I feel like I think about most things now with the context of dementia care looming large, and it was no different last night listening to the booms and seeing the sky light up over Tucson.

The Two-Shirt Revolution

A caregiver told me once about how something as simple as her "two-shirt revolution" made a real difference in independence. Instead of picking out her husband's clothes each morning, she started laying out two options. "Blue or green today?" became their morning ritual.

These moments seem so small, maybe even unimportant. They’re a tiny choice in the grand scheme of things, but an opportunity for expression nonetheless. As caregivers who juggle so much, we may have a difficult time recognizing just how much they mean.

Your loved one might not be able to navigate a grocery store anymore, but they can still choose chocolate or vanilla ice cream. Perhaps they can still nod yes or shake their head no when you ask if they want to sit by the window. Maybe a behavior — difficult though it may be — is communicating in a way that you can learn to hear.

The “4th of July Paradox”

Standing on my friends’ balcony last night, watching the show, I couldn’t help but feel the sad paradox. There I was, celebrating freedom with my partner Chava and our friends, while she was staying in a secure area and losing a battle with her own mind.

Independence Day was a bitter pill for me this year, more than it has been in the past. Her descent has been particularly quick and cruel in the last 365 days, her loss of independence pronounced.

But maybe that's exactly why this holiday matters more to me now, not less. It felt like a somber and serious celebration to me. I wonder if what I felt last night is closer to the original spirit of the day.

Every small choice we offer our loved ones is a tiny declaration of independence. Every moment you pause to listen instead of assuming you know best is an act of empowerment. Every time you follow their lead, even when it doesn't make sense to you, you're honoring their right to exist with all the autonomy that is possible.

The Family Advantage

You know things about your loved one that no professional caregiver ever could. You know they always preferred the window seat, that they hummed while cooking, that they never liked being rushed. Use that knowledge to create moments of individual expression.

I celebrated the small freedoms last night: my relationships, my hope, and the moments when my mom still smiles and laughs. That felt like enough, standing out on that balcony, staring out across the city.

As I lay in bed later, fast asleep, the morning star rose once more to signal the coming dawn.

📰 Ideas for Preserving Independence 📰

• Seniors Helping Seniors: This amazing program pairs up seniors who need assistance with other seniors who better understand the place your loved one is coming from because they have experienced similar things. From the website: “The Seniors Helping Seniors® team provides affordable, professional in-home care services and heartfelt companionship for seniors. Our caregivers, who are seniors themselves, understand the importance of remaining independent.”

• Aging in Place with Habitat for Humanity: Did you know that Habitat for Humanity has a program to help seniors age in place for as long as possible? They say: “Our local Habitat affiliates collaborate with human services organizations to evaluate individual needs and provide critical home repairs, modifications and community services specific to each homeowner’s lifestyle to preserve their home and their independence.”

• Before You Give Up The Keys, Create a Roadmap for Transportation Independence: If your loved one is at the point where driving is unwise or dangerous, one barrier to giving up car keys will be the loss of independence that comes with that decision. This PDF document gives you strategies for overcoming this barrier, as does my training on Mastering the Car Key Conversation. Preserve independence while preserving safety at the same time.