🌐This Week on the Web🌐 

Caregiver Resources, Stories, and Guides:

• A Letter for Mom: Making Time Count With Aging Loved Ones (Psychology Today): read about how Sothy Eng used letters he wrote that were based on his mother’s history to soothe and comfort her with a form of reminiscence therapy.

• Cole Escola's touching insight about dementia has people moved to tears (Upworthy): "We were meeting in the middle of her memory," says Cole Escola of listening to their grandmother’s (repeated) storytelling, greeting it with an artist’s appreciation.

• Managing Money: A Caregiver's Guide to Finances (Alzheimer’s Association): this training from the Alzheimer’s Association is solid, but I found the documents that go along with it much more helpful, so here are the direct links to them:

  • Avoiding Financial Abuse and Fraud

  • Covering Care Costs

  • Having Conversations About Finances

  • Organizing Legal Plans

• The Ultimate Guide to Move-Out Cleaning for Seniors (TechBullion): I’ve helped my mom move three times in the last five years, and I really wish I’d had this guide. It covers all the bases nicely.

Caregiver’s Corner: She Asked, ‘Are You Ben?’—Here’s What I Said

In the last edition of The Dementia Newsletter, I gave you a list of some of my ideas for unique Mother’s Day gifts. Little did I know that my mom would surprise me on Mother’s Day as well.

When my partner Chava and I went to visit her on Sunday she asked, “Are you Ben?” This has never happened before. I knew it was coming someday, but we never think it’s going to be today.

However, I learned something important about myself in that conversation: I realized that I’ve become more resilient than I realized. I had always assumed that the first time my mother didn’t recognize me, I would fall on the floor in a puddle of powerless goo. Instead, I smiled and said “yep, it’s Ben. Happy Mother’s Day!”

Even though it was difficult to hear her ask that question, my job was clear: reassure, redirect, and create happiness for her.

• Yes, I’m your son, Ben.

• Yes, I’m hear to listen and help.

• Yes, I hear you and what you say is important.

• Yes, you are loved more than I can put into words.

And you know what? We had a nice visit. I had to decompress for a little while afterward, but we sat and talked and smiled and laughed.

I’ve found that helping my mom has helped me to be a better listener in general. Listening hasn’t traditionally been my strong suit, but it’s one of the only things I can offer now in my conversations with her.

This skill she is teaching me has extended beyond our relationship into the rest of my world.

For instance, while we were at my mom’s, I noticed that Chava had buried herself in her phone. To appreciate the significance of this, you should know that she regularly confiscates my phone as we’re going into social settings so I won’t be rude, checking my email in the middle of dinner. This was a red flag.

Because I was “listening” to her actions, I knew she was having a hard time. On the way home, I was able to “listen” to her body language and facial expressions. When I asked how she was, she burst into tears.

She shared with me how it frightened her to see my mom’s decline, and how unfair it was. She told me about her worries for the two of us as we grow old together. What if we develop dementia?

It was a conversation that touched the deep waters of our hopes and fears for our relationship. I’m glad we talked. It also touched my heart to see how deeply affected she was by my mother’s struggles.

I’m not always sure how to find my way as my mom progresses through this disease. I suspect that most of my readers can relate. However, I am finding some places where I’ve become a better listener, a better partner, and a better person because of the ways that I’ve had to step up. My mom would be proud of that.

I can’t control her dementia. I can’t make it better. But I can be more patient and more kind. Bit by bit, I’m learning. Inch by inch, I’m growing. She is still teaching me. 🙏 

🌟 Your Crisis Management Master Class 🌟 

Do you need a little extra help this week?

I offer the following additional resources to help you out when you need a hand:

• Cutting-edge training programs, free guides, and more at www.elumened.com

• If you want to chat, I’d love to get to know you. Book a free 20-minute slot on my calendar. We’ll talk about what’s going on for you and brainstorm, or I’m happy to just provide a listening ear. If you think you might like to develop a more targeted plan specific to your needs, we can talk about what’s a good fit.